Is it worth it?

OK. So I thought I should write this blog and tell you all about self harming. Well from what I went through anyways. I don't need to tell you why I did it but the most obvious is that it was kind of a release for me, something I had control over, and it relaxed me. I don't want to go into too much detail as to the feelings I got from it, and why I started doing it in the first place. I first started back in about May. I did it for a week and it was only with scissors so it didn't really make much of a cut and didn't scar. I then started again back again about july/august again with scissors, but then I used just ordinary razor blades for shaving your legs. It was kept in the plastic so that it just made 3 small cuts all vertical to eachother as it cut across. It didn't bleed much and again didn't scar either. That lasted about a week or 2 until I stopped it myself again. Then about September, just before I started college, I started again. This time I took the razor blades apart and cut with the razor quite big thick chunks into my skin. They weren't that big but they did bleed quite a bit. Then one time I cut a small chunk out of the skin, which bled badly, and continued to keep bleeding small amounts into the next day when I went back to college after the weekend was over. I didn't have any bandages or anything at that time to use to I had to cut a sock up like a bandage, and then tie it on with a shoelace, and wore a long sleeve hoody, but it just made it bleed more. It managed to dry up by the end of the day thankfully. I carried on cutting when I wanted to. It wasn't even the case of relaxation anymore, it was just to the point where I was addicted and did it for the sake of it. I carried on cutting for about a month, until one day I literally cut down to my fat under my skin. All I thought was OH SHIT. I was so scared. I needed medical attention for what I had just done it was that bad. All I could think of was to just cry and cry until my parents heard me or came to see what was up with me. About 30 minutes later my Mum finally got out of bed to come and see what was up. She asked what had happened. My words were "I need help" And she saw me covering up my wrist, I hardly said anything at all. My Mum just kept asking "Why? Why? Why?" She couldn't understand what I had done and why. I just cried and cried. My parents never knew about the wrist cutting until that night. So anyways, my Mum went and woke up my Dad and my Dad is kind of one of the reasons I have alot of stress in my life. To be expected all he did was shout at me and tell me off and have a go at me. I went downstairs and just continued crying. My Dad had phoned the ambulance and we waited about 10 minutes for the ambulance to arrive. When the ambulance arrived they asked a few questions, and I didn't say much. They took me into the back of the ambulance and off I went to hospital. I arrived at hospital. Makeup all down my face. It looked like my face had dirt chucked at it. So I went into the room to be seen, which it took about 2 hours to be seen to. The pain was bad because it was so deep that it was exposed alot. The bleeding had pretty much stopped but it was so sore and painful. It just throbbed and throbbed. I waited and waited with my Mum until someone finally came. My Dad had stayed at home which was the best thing because he would of just made things worse. So the Nurse came into see me and see what was going on. They spoke about me having counselling and all sorts of this and that, but I just didn't want to. I was already prescribed anti-depressants back in about May when I was first starting cutting. And I didn't take them. I got through it all without them. With a struggle. So the Nurse told me to firstly go and wash my wound out of anything that was in there, so I just sat under a tap for 5 minutes which was really painful and sore as it was. After 5 minutes or so I went back to my cubicle in the room. I waited about another 15-20 minutes for someone to come and see me to get the wound seen to. So the Nurse injected about 10 times around the wound to numb it. That was extremely painful. After she had numbed it, I layed down on the bed where she put 7 stitches in the wound to put it back together again. I closed my eyes and tried not to think about it. I didn't feel much anyways because she had numbed it before. After she had done all that, she wrapped it up in a bandage, waited for some letters that I had to give to the doctor, and another for the Nurse at my doctors surgery to take the stitches out the following week. So off I went home afterwards in a taxi with my Mum. My Mum was quite supportive, but she still doesn't understand what went wrong. So anyways, a week later I went to the surgery and have my stitches out. It was still quite raw but it had healed as much as it could with stitches. The rest was up to my own body to deal with healing it. To this day now, I am scarred now because of such a silly thing I did. At the time I didn't see it as silly, but I look back now and think was it really worth it? Now I have to keep wearing long sleeve tops and jumpers, or wear something that covers the scars. I have a few friends who supported me through this all afterwards and kept me happy, but I still have the urge to do it. To anyone who is reading this now, this is a true story, it's not made up. And to anyone who refers "Emo's" to people who cut their wrist, you have another thing coming. Next time you tell someone to go cut their wrists or something please think again. I just hope I saved at least one person from self harming by reading this. And I have also put up some pictures to show you my scars. I will stay anonomous for obvious reasons, but if anyone wants to contact me just E-Mail me anytime at belarusaph@hotmail.co.uk. Thank you for taking your time to read this. Anyone reading this who is a cutter, or wants to cut, PLEASE DON'T DO IT! YOU WILL REGRET IT! And to those who used to cut and got through it, you're not alone. And be proud of getting through it. You're all great people and we all love you :)